In this series...
Purging Negative Money Memories Takes Time (Part 1/4)
Purging Negative Money Memories Takes Time (Part 2/4)
Purging Negative Money Memories Takes Time (Part 3/4)
Purging Negative Money Memories Takes Time (Part 4/4)
When I redid this exercise in 2021, from this list of 36 memories, I only remembered 8. Even if you had put me under hypnotherapy, I couldn't remember the other 28 memories, as if they vanished into thin air.
When I re-read through and updated this blog series, I realized that those 28 other memories didn't vanish. They just no longer carried any emotional charge, nor negative association with money / shame / guilt.
They are like water drops to the waterfall, long gone and surrendered. This is what I call this freedom. I am now free to make choices out of joy, grace, and inner peace, not out of emotional wounds of the past caused by unconscious people or systems.
Alchemy of Negative Money Memories Into LESSONS and GIfts No. 25-36
Here we go, one final round of purges and alchemy of wounds into gifts!
GIft NO. 25 • Freedom from Guilt
Money Memory • Spending money that was allocated for school on a plane ticket to fly 8 timezones to see X out of pure guilt, not out of choice
Lessons / Gifts • With the guidance of my coach's partner, I realized painfully how I had no standards for relationships and for choosing HQP (high quality people). It was never taught nor role modelled to me. Years later, thanks to 8 months of intense NSA chiropractic care, I realized how my default decision-making setting was set to guilt. I was like an automaton that said yes to everything and everyone, out of guilt. That aha awakening blew up my guilt neuro-circuitry, such that I never again operated out of guilt. Believe me, people (family included) have tried pressing the guilt button or yanking the guilt strings, to no avail. It's like watching them swing a bat trying to beat oxygen molecules, hilarious and futile.
Maturation Time • 4 years + 6 months
GIft NO. 26 • Freedom from Dad's Approval
Money Memory • At the beginning of and throughout my entrepreneurial journey, dad kept asking, "What are you doing? When will you get a real job?". And mom shared her words of comfort in the form of, "Nah, don't worry if you fail, you're not meant for this leadership stuff anyway, you're just a worker bee." Geez guys, thanks for the support.
Lessons / Gifts • You'd think that the two people who birthed you would be your greatest champions and supporters. That is not the case for millions and millions of people of Earth. Even so, despite them raining on my parade, I did it anyway. And like Sinatra's lyrics, "I did it my way." I hired a six-figure mentor and got 'er done! The uphill climb made me strong and resilient, mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually. And the greatest unexpected gift at the top of that mountain was freedom from wanting or needing dad's approval. I can't tell you in words the exquisite nectar of that freedom, you have to experience it for yourself.
Maturation Time • 2 years + 1 month
GIft NO. 27 • Karmic Forgiveness
Money Memory • Mom took my luxury mattress out of storage locker to use. She keeps taking my stuff! Without asking!! I was gonna sell it for cash, but now I can't. Aren't kids the ones to take/borrow their parents' stuff, not the other way around?
Lessons / Gifts • It wasn't until I stumbled upon the work of Caroline Myss on Sacred Contracts did I realize that I chose all of it: my parents, their traits, my own "handicaps", my gifts and superpowers, my suffering, all of it. I am responsible for those choices, even if they were made pre-incarnation and my human form cannot remember all the contracts made. These dynamics that I played out with my parents were a portal to re-membering my sacred contracts, my karma. When I shared all this with X who had similar reverse family dynamics, we asked each other, "How do I forgive myself... for having signed these sacred contracts?" It wasn't about forgiving my parents, or all the doormats, victims and martyrs before them, but about forgiving myself for choosing this existence.
Maturation Time • 3 years + 7 months (+ my entire current life + all previous lives 😛)
GIft NO. 28 • I found myself *
Money Memory • Sabotaged relationship with X because his family was sooo wealthy, like "We own half of downtown skyscrapers" wealthy. My family and I would never fit into their country club world.
Lessons / Gifts • I already knew at a mental level that this relationship had nothing to do with X. Plus, his disregard for the precious value of human life by speeding as a game, just to see if he'd be given a ticket, was 100% out of alignment with my values. It took a year long personal development retreat to help me realize at a spiritual level that it was not self-sabotage, but an emotional catalyst for me to awaken to how fractured my identity was and how non-existent my self-worth was. I didn't have low self-worth, I had no self-worth. Thanks to the love of my tribemates, and wise guidance of my teachers, I found myself. My truest self. I never would have invested $15,000 in myself if it weren't for the cataclysmic pain of facing the abyss of my unworthiness.
Maturation Time • 11 months + 22 days
GIft NO. 29 • Time + Persistence Heal All Wounds
Money Memory • Last minute flight to dad's funeral $3,200. F*cking airlines have no compassion.
Lessons / Gifts • At the time, my flights to 16-countries-in-16 weeks totalled $5,200. But this one flight costed $3,200. So according to scarcity, I'd have to cancel 62% of my other flights to make it to my dad's funeral. But 10 months later, after I persisted through sixteen tons of paperwork, enough paper to clear cut a forest, my travel insurance covered $1,600 of that funeral flight. As well, someone bought an old domain I owned for $3,500. This passing of time, along with personal healing work, gave me new lenses to see that everything works out in the end... in my favour. Just giving it time won't cut it. Just persisting won't cut it. But together, time + persistence heal all wounds.
Maturation Time • 10 months
GIft NO. 30 • Selecting my Tribe
Money Memory • Missed one of those 12:05am (not noon but midnight) flights because person I traveled with had such big, loud, "look at me! look at me," incessant talking, "rah rah rah" energy. I totally lost myself, my balance, my inner peace and my grounding.
Lessons / Gifts • I need peace and quiet to thrive. Even just declaring this need was revolutionary to a woman raised on the 3Ps of Patriarchy: pleasing, performing, and perfecting. That experience was so unpleasant to my senses and taxing on my nervous system that it finally gave me permission to wipe loud, irritating, drama-filled people out of my life. Instantly, I blossomed, my clients benefited, and my true friends stepped up to the plate. I see my pattern now: it takes extreme, extreme pain for me to declare, vow and chose myself over patriarchal conditioning. Sigh.
Maturation Time • 3 months
GIft NO. 31 • Unleashing Terror
Money Memory • Frozen by piercing banshee pitch screeching inside my head when I realized that I left my souvenirs from Jordan, Bosnia and Morocco (which I carried around for 4 weeks in hand luggage) at the check-in counter of the previous airport.
Lessons / Gifts • I had never been so literally assaulted by scarcity before. I knew it wasn't the loss of the objects that upset me. It was living in a constant vice grip of not enoughness (not enough support, safety, care, money, resources, love, etc.) that enraged me. I knew I had made poor choices from a place of scarcity before, but this was an entirely other level of visceral communication from the trauma trapped deep inside my cells. I had no idea that this piercing "black out" would lead me to 3 encounters with 3 people, which would lead me to plant medicine healing. All that stored terror and trauma would, at the end of that year, unleash itself in a mighty display of spiritual fireworks. I didn't see any of it coming, but I was beginning to see how each money memory that I named was a catalytic window to deep healing, wholeness and freedom.
Maturation Time • 10 months
GIft NO. 32 • Pillars of Community + Health
Money Memory • Wasted so much money / time / energy on a business whose people I adored, but marketing model I deeply disagreed with
Lessons / Gifts • Though this experience was costly in so many ways, it opened my eyes and heart to how crucial the pillars of community / belonging and health / self-care are to success. I wanted and coach my clients to build success through joy and grace, not through isolation and burnout. I get it now, that this was the only way the Universe could capture my attention long enough to learn the importance of those pillars, before experiencing more success.
Maturation Time • 1 year + 3 months
GIft NO. 33 • Freedom from Overcompensation
Money Memory • Spent so much energy and time on two businesses, each with a business partner whom I adored to the moon and back, but who didn't carry their own weight. Instead of focusing on sales, they gave all their attention on squeaky wheels that generate no income nor visibility or they fell off the face of the earth.
Inner Child Learned That... Because I'm so capable and resourceful, I don't deserve any attention or support.
Lessons / Gifts • I know the Universe sends us lessons again and again like a boomerang until we learn them. I had two lessons to learn here: 1. to stop saying yes to brick-and-mortar businesses and going against my #1 value of freedom (and location freedom) just because I am completely in love with my business soul sister; 2. to stop engaging in partnerships where I show up 120% and they only show up 60%. Then my compulsion is to make up for the gap, so I show up 140%, which makes them retreat to 40%. I then feel driven to overcompensate for the continued gap and show up 160%, and so on. As an overachiever, I now understand that the Universe had to strip me of all my energy and time, so that I'd finally make space to re-assess, declare "no" once and for all, and stop perpetuating that pattern of over-compensating for others.
Maturation Time • 3 years + 7 months
GIft NO. 34 • Organic Unfolding
Money Memory • Watched X buy flowers to beautify her home and couldn't bare to spend that same $5 to treat myself to beauty
Lessons / Gifts • It turns out, there was nothing wrong with me. I just didn't feel settled or rooted in the place I was living. So I wasn't compelled to beautify it. As soon as I moved overseas and felt like I was setting roots, I naturally started buying flowers weekly to beautify my home. Even this seemingly insignificant tiny money memory has taught me to surrender to the organic unfolding of everything and to stop believing in the ego's false narratives about my lack or unworthiness.
Maturation Time • 4 years +10 months
GIft NO. 35 • Art of Discernment
Money Memory • Rented a car and drove 2 hours to meet two prospects who were never, ever, ever going to hire me
Lessons / Gifts • I can't tell you how many times I've uttered, "Oh yeah, I totally forgot about that" when updating in 2021 this blog series from 2017. Today, I have 100% conversion rate. Every prospect who asks to speak with me hires me, sometimes on the spot, sometimes a few months later, but they always do. I've gotten so clear about who I work with (globetrotting overachiever women entrepreneurs who seek freedom) that I haven't wasted a single second on less than ideal clients. It took 9 years and 2 months of rounds and rounds of clarity, discernment, practice setting boundaries, practice saying no's, practice holding boundaries, and practicing holding no's. Now, I get reap the fruits of my discernment and every client is like a match made in heaven: we laugh, cry, play, ascend, transcend, rise like a mofo phoenix while having the time of our lives! Every prospect turns into a client, how juicy, delightful and a f*cking miracle!
Maturation Time • 9 years + 2 months
GIft NO. 36 • Breaking family Cycles
Money Memory • Every one of my aunts and uncles, on both sides of my lineage, was cheated on and the dumpee (not the dumper). All the women fled like refugees with just the clothes on their back and their kids tucked under their wings. They somehow managed to get a job and raise my cousins the best they could as a single mom. Kudos to them and to the single dads.
Lessons / Gifts • After decades of self-development, learning about healthy vs unhealthy relationship dynamics, and coaching / leadership / psychotherapy certifications, I had a cataclysmic epiphany one day, "Holy shit, I've spent my young adult life unconsciously attracting cheaters just so I can feel like I belong to my family [of dumpees]." 🤯🤯🤯 Holy shit!!! I knew since age 5 that I didn't belong, but I had no idea that this is how my unconscious would manifest belonging. How f*cked up!?! Gloria Steinem once said, "The truth will set you free, but first it'll piss you off." I couldn't agree more! I had no idea that I was the spiritual warrior given the task of breaking the cycle for my family lineage. You can bet your ass I broke that cycle. Forever more!
Maturation Time • 27 years + 1 month
How Often To Repeat This Purge?
Doing this Negative Money Memory Purge is like bringing the light of consciousness to the wounded corners of my psyche. It was also like placing a block of ice on the table, letting it dissolve at room temperature, without exerting force to try to smash the ice block.
It was a gentler process, less energy taxing, more elegant and mature. I had hoped to do this exercise once every 6 months, but only realistically managed to do it once a year at end of year. I've done this 6 times, over 6 years, and it works.
A few clients and I have tried to fast-track their purge, by doing this exercise twice within two months. It's intense, and it works, but the more time you allow between purges, the more grace will soften your experience. You decide. And if you can't decide on your own, you can book a Clarity Session and I'll guide you and help you decide.
Live fierce and free,
(First Published Sep 20, 2017)
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May these reclamation stories and liberation tools inspire and guide you to navigate time, identity and creativity, gracefully and joyfully. xo, Ellany
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