BY ELLANY LEA • May 26, 2021 • 8 MIN READ
Purging Negative Money Memories Takes Time (Part 3/4)
(First Published Sep 13, 2017)
In this series...
Purging Negative Money Memories Takes Time (Part 1/3)
Purging Negative Money Memories Takes Time (Part 2/3)
Purging Negative Money Memories Takes Time (Part 3/3)
Purging Negative Money Memories Takes Time (Part 4/4)
"What is meant for you will never pass you by. It will come at the perfect time." Saying this to an overachiever is like asking a bowling ball to float.
Overachievers are super-doers. Patience is not their strong suit. Trust in the divinely-timed unfolding of their lives is definitely not in their vocabulary.
And yet, here's some proof that healing takes time, forgiveness and letting go take time, and freedom from all the human crap thrown at us from a dense Earthly realm takes time.
Alchemy of Negative Money Memories Into LESSONS and GIfts No. 17-24
GIft NO. 17 • Invincibility Training*
Money Memory • Transferring an unbelievable sum of money to pay for the unclenching of the government's paws off my dad's assets after he passed away. How f*cking ludicrous that even with a crisp and clear Will & Testament, we had to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to transfer what was rightfully ours in the first place back to us. And the entire time, I kept wondering, "Wait, what?!? Shouldn't the parents be bailing out their kids from a financial crisis, not the other way around?" Every time I gathered a nest egg of money, before I got a chance to decide what juicy project to put it toward, my family went through some sort of crisis or overhaul and purged all my savings.
Inner Child Learned That... No matter how hard I work, my money will never be mine. Someone will always take it away from me. So what's the point of earning or saving any?
Lessons / Gifts • Recognizing that no matter how broken systems are (government, healthcare, banking, intergenerational conditioning, legal, insurance, etc.) and no matter how stupid bureaucratic policies created by dead white men are, I will always rise. A for the first time in my entire existence, my mom on behalf of my entire family thanked me for all I have done. Even if the fire burns me to ashes, I will rise like the invincible phoenix that I am. The greatest gift from unrelenting invincibility training is: I am no longer afraid of the fire, I am the fire. 🔥
Maturation Time • 34 years and 2 months
GIft NO. 18 • High Quality Person (HQP) Filtering
Money Memory • I wanted love, but I hated dating. It was so costly in terms of time, money, energy, mental space, and emotional clearing afterward. It is worse than trying to find a needle in 52 mountains of haystacks.
Inner Child Learned That... I can have career or love, never both.
Lessons / Gifts • When my grandma passed away 8 minutes before the launch of one of my businesses, and I went to the bathroom to shake it off, X happened to be there and offered me THE most loving mama bear hug and shoulder to cry on. At my grandma's funeral, even though she was such a sour puss and we weren't close, witnessing the power of her matriarchal energy gather all her kids, grandkids and great-grandkids at her funeral, something stirred awake within me. With the help of a coach, I realized how suppressed my feminine power was, how low or inexistent my standards were, and how I was never taught to set boundaries. I didn't know I needed to heal from narcissistic, chauvinistic and sociopathic abuse. I didn't know I was allowed to filter out anyone who wasn't HQP. When I did finally know, dating became such a dreamy, joyful, and fun experience.
Maturation Time • 7 years and 1 month
GIft NO. 19 • Freedom from Narcissist
Money Memory • X costing me massive, massive, massive amounts of wasted time, money and energy during and after the overseas move.
Inner Child Learned That... I am used for my superpowers then discarded when the other person no longer needs them.
Lessons / Gifts • Developing the clear sight to identify a narcissist, having the courage to walk away with dignity and grace, and making a clean break and crisp vow to never get enmeshed with another narcissist, those are gifts I will treasure for a lifetime, for all lifetimes! Though the narcissistic abuse was harsh and gnarly, I feel like I dodged the biggest bullet of my life and didn't end up a financially clueless housewife. This act of self-reclamation and self-liberation awoke my entrepreneurial spirit, catalyzed my first business, and helped me actualize my dream of owning a condo by the beach before 30. The pain juice turned into dream fuel. Who knew that's how modern alchemy worked?!? 🔮
Maturation Time • 8 months
GIft NO. 20 • Love Receivership
Money Memory • Feeling resentful that each of my younger siblings inherited a family car, while I trudged through -35 C snow for decades to go to school and work, in order to financially and emotionally support the entire family. Where's my car, where's my reward for all the blood, sweat, tears, money, time and energy that I poured into providing for the family?
Lessons / Gifts • Years later, when I visited my family for the holidays, I had a lunch date with my cousin. To my surprise and utter delight, my niece came along. She had a birthday party to go to, so I was a bit to miss her on this visit. She was so tiny when I first met her and now she's maturated to chose for herself to join us instead of going to her party. My heart melted and burst like fireworks. At the end of the night, I asked my cousin for a lift to the nearest train stop, but as generous as they always treated me, they drove me all the way home. The kids pleaded to pile into the car with me, in their pajamas, even though it was past their bedtime. Squeezed between two child-safety seats, on that car ride home, I felt the warmest glow of love in my heart. That resentment over family cars melted away like butter on a skillet, it paled in contrast to that glowing love. I chuckled to myself, "I don't even want a car. I don't want things. I only want freedom. I only want love." How fascinating how two seemingly irrelevant memories can merge into alchemy of a negative money memory into a gift, here, of love.
Maturation Time • 2 years and 3 months
GIft NO. 21 • Freedom from Haunting Secret
Money Memory • Supervision calls with a mentor for my psychotherapy certification felt like such a money drain. I don't need to be psychotherapied!! I'm doing just fine, thriving even.
Lessons / Gifts • LMAO, how wrong I was! I benefited greatly from counselling during rough times in school. In fact, it probably saved my life. But as a thriving entrepreneur, home owner, globetrotter and leader, I truly didn't need. I was right and wrong at the same time. I was right because I didn't have classic wounds or addictions that needed therapy. But I was wrong because I had one giant secret left that I never told another soul. Since shame festers and grows by feeding off silence, that giant secret shame would have swallowed me whole had I not spoken it to my supervisor. I can't tell you the number of oceans I cried after and what glorious relief it was to pull my finger off that damn. Now and forever, I live free from being haunted and chased by that secret. And here I thought I was just going through the motions to accrue supervision hours for my certification. 😛
Maturation Time • 11 months
GIft NO. 22 • True Belonging*
Money Memory • In kindergarten, there was a girl whose parents owned a corner store. So every day, on the school bus, she'd show us a new candy or treat. I don't even know how it started, but it soon became a ritual to exchange sweets on the bus every morning. I had no candy to share because we didn't spend money on such frivolous things and my mom (bless her) made it a point to protect my teeth. So I was ostracized, just like that.
Inner Child Learned That... BI am poor. You'll always be poor. You'll never belong to the "in" crowd.
Lessons / Gifts • I would spend my entire life wondering what was wrong with me and searching for belonging. I would be bullied, betrayed and ostracized again and again until I I invested over $100,000 in healing arts and self empowerment to realize that:
- I am not broken, the world is broken.
- “You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” – Maya Angelou
Maturation Time • 28 years + 3 months
GIft NO. 23 • early retirement
Money Memory • Taking on a $$,$$$ contract just for the money. All my previous professional decisions were based on how much talent I had, how much my heart aligned with the organization's cause and how nourishing the work environment felt. I totally had the talent for that contract, but so didn't want to do that work. I even quoted the client such an unthinkable high amount, in hopes that they'd say no. But they said yes. Damnit!
Lessons / Gifts • Because I was such an expert in that field, I summoned all the discipline I had in me and finished the project in lightning speed. It then allowed me to take an almost year long retirement in my early 30's. I didn't have to wait until 65 to bliss out on peace, joy and time freedom. I came out of that retirement with renewed clarity on my soul's calling, soulsisters that I never had before, and a sense of love and belonging that I never knew existed.
Maturation Time • 7 months (+ 19 years of academic and professional training)
GIft NO. 24 • Boundaries that Liberate
Money Memory • Didn't draft clear enough contract with a handful of clients, and now I'm stuck being their tech support bitch. Gah.
Lessons / Gifts • Just as an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, I learned the hard way that setting clear boundaries, in both professional and personal arenas, saves me such frustration, anger and suffering. Most importantly, it's only by having gone through it that I was able to remember the anger/suffering so that I'd continue to hold those boundaries. Setting them once, and letting others walk all over them, doesn't work. I had to practice continuously holding my boundaries. As Brené Brown said, "I may not be as sweet as a I used to be, but I'm a heck of a lot happier." And in my case, I and my time are a heck of a lot freer!
Maturation Time • 2 years
Live fierce and free,
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