red hot spewing magma bursting volcano

This one time, at one of my entheogens retreats, Bruno lullibied us with the guitar. As he sang, the lyrics "mi amor"... I thought of my dad]. This was strange strange, because "dad" never equalled "love." 

Dad = duty. Dad = going above and beyond to put food on the table. Dad = handyman extraordinaire. Dad = best son, brother, neighbour, friend he could be. Dad = passive aggressive chandeliering. Dad = minimal communication and EQ (emotional quotient) skills.

But dad ≠ love. I wept. Sad. I filled a lake with my tears. Then I sank to bottom of my own Sorrow Lake. I wept. For me. For every child who didn't have a dad. For every child who did have a dad but he ≠ love.


Sacred Contracts and Karmic Agreements

"I'm sorry..." I heard myself say. That snagged me out Sorrow Lake.

"Wait... what did I have to be sorry for...?" I ruminated, over and over, like a tourist circling a Parisian roundabout.

I did EVERYTHING right, EVERYTHING my Asian parents expected of me. I went above and beyond, from marriage counsellor at age 6, to co-parent at age 9 to becoming the best wife dad never had and the best husband mom never had. I gave my family EVERYTHING, every penny in my bank account, every second of my time and every joule of my energy.

So what did I have to be sorry for? Heck, maybe he should apologize to me. Then this repartee, played out on the stage of my consciousness, screeched my roundabout rumination to a halt.

Parents: So what mission will you choose for this incarnation?

Me: Umm, don't know. I could be an Olympian gymnast. Or... Dancing and singing on Broadway always looked fun. Hmm... or maybe I'll pick something easier like: free the world <insert jazz hands>.

Parents: Yeah, yeah, pick that last one. You'd be REALLY great at it!

Me: Meh, don't know. I've done it before. It's not really fun. You get ostracized, persecuted and crucified a lot.

Parents: We'll help!

Me: How?

Parents: Umm... we can limit our own consciousness, so that you have the pain-juice needed to fuel the courage, stamina and resilience needed to overcome the bullies, ostracizers and persecutors, in order to break every shackle and indoctrination passed onto you, so that you can free the world.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Can you even imagine such a pre-incarnation conversation?

In a flash, my soul knew that on a Scared Contract level, our karmic agreement was for my parents to limit their own consciousness, so to serve as pain-juice for my awakening and liberation of the world.

How we played out that contract was gnarly and painful beyond measure. But who other than two magnanimous loving souls would make such a self-limiting sacrifice for me and for the world?


Purging Patriarchy

With this boom-aha, I flailed up like a marionette hiccup and purged into my bucket. Once the liquid purge was complete, I took several deep exhales of relief, of completion, of spacious liberation.

I waited for a while, knelt at the altar of my bucket. Then in my usual self-inquiry ritual, I opened my eyes and asked the purge, “What is this?” It replied matter-of-factly, "Patriarchy."

I closed my eyes to inhale the magnitude of what just happened. You mean to tell me, that what I just puked out of my body, was Patriarchy (with a capital P) and all its shadows, bondages, abuses and atrocities that live in the Collective Unconscious?🤯 You mean I've just freed my body from the self-flagellation, martyrdom and witch burning of Patriarchy? 🤯

Of course, none of this was about my dad. He was just an under-loved soul, victimized by Patriarchy like the rest of us.


Atonement and Overnight (+ 10 Years) Sensation

I’ve done 100k/10/98 shit ton of forgiveness work around Family of Origin. I know-know-know-know that my parents did the best they could.

Everything I've shared, from the guitar lullaby, thinking of dad, Sorrow Lake, Sacred Contract repartee, to the impulse to puke what turned out to be Patriarchy, at a somatic body level, cultural level and Collective Unconscious level, all of it took place under 2 seconds. #timewarp

As I stared at the puke in the bucket with reverence, I soul-knew: "This is atonement." I had read about it, and mind-knew it as: (n.) the dissolving of suffering in one instant of understanding and forgiveness. But I had never experienced it or body-known it before.

This atonement felt like a miracle. Like an overnight sensation. 🎆

But the truth is, it was built on top of 100k/10/98, as an epically sloooooow and cumulative convergence of Life working its way through me. There's no such thing as an overnight sensation. But there sure is an overnight + 10 years + 98 re-incarnations sensation!

I tied up the plastic barf bag that lined my bucket. With arm fully extended, like how a newly crowned queen holds her staff, ceremoniously walked it over to the dumpster. I unclenched my fist and the bag ‘o vomit, along with Patriarchy, sunk with a thud loud enough to shake all the pebbles on the surface of Jupiter.

Like I wrote in The 4 Types of Knowing, body knowing is one of THE hardest knowings to reclaim. Patriarchy conditioned humans to revere only the mind (because it's his propensity) and dismiss the heart, body and soul (because they are his weaker disinclinations). It's especially challenging if you're an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) or empath because you inadvertently absorb everybody else's crap, emotions and/or energies, including Patriarchal indoctrination.

I look back on this experience, though nauseating and painful at the time, as my "Get Out of Jail Free" card from the prison of Patriarchy. Never again can it tell me what to do, who to be, what to want, or anything else for that matter. 

This is freedom.

INQUIRY

How far would you go to get out of jail free?

Live fierce and free,

xo, Ella


(First Published Jul 31, 2019)

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